Beth Patterson’s Humor

When the Celtic performer Beth Patterson does a show, she uses humor effectively. She has a good repertoire of jokes, and she plays the crowd well. She also uses humorous songs. This past Saturday, the Enoch’s audience particularly liked “The Hand of the Almighty,” a song by I think, John R. Butler. You can find those lyrics here:  (Warning: The lyrics are quite bawdy! This is definitely a bar song, not one for children or family settings)

Another song that crowds love is Beth’s, “Darling, Please: The Uncut Version.” Here are the lyrics. I transcribed the words from Beth’s CD. (If I made any transcription mistakes, please pardon.)

Darling Please by Beth Patterson

Darling, please come and sit down beside me,
You know how long we’ve been together,
Lately I’ve been thinking
About what I really want
And it’s something that would last us forever

Everywhere I turn, I see women with strollers
They’ve got tiny bundles from heaven galore
They’re lives are now complete
With the patter of little feet,
It’s an issue I can no longer ignore

Oh Darling, please,
Would you do one thing for me?
I’m tired of always thinking about fertility,
As the ultimate gesture of complete gallantry,
Darling, please get that vasectomy.

Every morning, I can hear little kids screaming
In the restaurant, always one that kicks my chair,
Sometimes a little angel nearly knocks down my mike
After sticking wads of bubble gum in my hair.

Well, I know you’re protective
Of your Big Jim and the twins,
But it takes a real man to wear such a scar
Your sperm count would be zero,
But you’d always be my hero,
And you’d have something to show
Your friends at the bar.

Oh Darling, please,
Would you do one thing for me?
I’m tired of always thinking about fertility,
As the ultimate gesture of complete gallantry,
Darling, please get that vasectomy.
Darling, please, get that vasectomy.

A New Poem: How Often

Writing poems gives me ideas for stories and novels. I wrote this poem today. I hope my friend in Lafayette, one of my readers, likes it.

How Often

How often I’ve thought about you,
A brown-eyed, voluptuous Cajun beauty,
You’re slowly stealing my heart,
Somehow, you changed everything,
Meeting by accident,
Loving on purpose,
A lady who knows books and life and me . . .
Accepting, sensual, and curious,
With a beauty that maddens me,
We’re not done yet.
We’ll have our own 9&1/2 weeks,
And it will be better than the movie.
I’m sure you ruined me for wanting others,
How could they compare?
Now, that I’ve found myself,
It seems I’ve also found whom I needed,
You . . . Only you.

There’s no other competition.

Shape of my Week

Yesterday, a friend and I worked on some major changes to my Web site, Those changes should be posted soon. I’m excited, as I found out that my site is getting 400-500 hits a month! I feel like I squandered my time last night. Yet, the only time I deliberately sit down to watch the television is on Sunday nights–to see the Sopranos and the Tudors. I don’t even answer the phone during those two hours. Of course, the final episodes are next week, so my already limited TV time may dwindle even more.

My week is shaping up to be a very busy one. Literally, there are scores of people I must contact and meet with as my writing schedule steadily fills up. Here’s a running list of what’s planned in the near future:

*June 9: 2-4:00 pm, I have a signing at the Barnes and Noble in Shreveport on 6646 Youree Drive. People are coming to the event from East Texas, Arkansas, and western Louisiana.

*9:00-midnight, June 9, My band, Angus Dubhghall, will be playing at Enoch’s, Monroe’s only Irish pub. If you like traditional Scottish and Irish music, you need to get out to see us.

*June 11 – I’ll be speaking in Eldorado, Arkansas, at the meeting of the Sons of Confedrate Veterans. They’ll be meeting at the Ryan’s Steak House in Eldorado. This town is likely to keep me very busy in the future as there are possible events planned with the college, the bookstores, the library system, and a festival that my band may play at.

A Poem I Found

Diggging through my files, I found this poem and thought I should post it.


Do I still appear unbidden in your dreams?
Walking through them with
Our unresolved issues?
Troubling your conscience,
Pricking your heart?
Have you succeeded in banishing me
Entirely from your day-thoughts?
Do you read my poems,
Or even your own?
What can you honestly write now
In the kingdom of mommydom?
Have you succeeded in banishing
Me from your daily thoughts?

How could I not be a point of reference,
A point of comparison?
How could his passion, attention,
His adoration compare to mine?
It can’t . . .
But I know you’ll settle for it,
For less than we had that year.

There’ll never be a day
When I won’t whisper your name,
Or wish for a glance of you,
You are always there . . . unbidden,
But always wanted, always desired.
We were a love poem a ballad of love,
That suddenly underwent a Derida deconstruction,
Turning everything upside down.

How can you read Jong, Miller, Keats,
And the other books on your shelves,
And not think of me?
Do you still read my poems?
Do you wonder what I’ve written since?
Do you read your own poems . . .
What can you honestly write now
In the kingdom of mommydom?

Your “club,” your “group”
Will replace our intimate talks,
You’ll be recognized as a
Faithful and loving wife,
But you’ll always be the
Love of my life.

The group saved your life,
But I saved your heart,
Go on . . . say your prayers,
But you’ll never be free of me.

Landslide Lyrics

Tom and I DJ’d a graduation party past night at the Monroe Civic Center. The graduating student was Indian, and so was the party. Relatives and friends of the graduate were there from all over Louisiana and from as far away as India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh. The food was a rich spread of many classic Indian dishes. The music Indian, the dancing was spirited, and the women and girls were dressed in beautiful saris. I’d have to say that this was a truly enriching cultural experience for me.
After I returned home from the DJ gig, I was a little introspective. Perhaps not due to sadness, but only because I’m tired from working so hard lately. I was thinking of a song Johnny O’Neal often did when we performed together, “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac and sung so, so well by Stevie Nicks. Anyway, since I’ve determined to post the lyrics of songs I like each week, I thought I thought I’d post this one. I found the lyrics here:

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I’m getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

Return from Natchez

Yesterday morning, we ate a huge breakfast in the hotel restaurant. Then, we left our beautiful Eola Hotel room and walked through downtown Natchez. From there, we drove to the Visitors Center on Canal Street where we took a tour bus through Natchez. The tour was worth the price, as it provided a condensed overview of what was worth seeing. However, the driver was slovenly in appearance, her speech was unintelligible at times, and the bus microphone had some problems. It seems that the tour drivers would realize the gratuities would increase dramatically if these issues were addressed.
When our tour was over we went to the Melrose estate and took an extensive tour of that house and grounds. This estate is a National Park. You can read more about the house, its owners, its history, and description here:

After our Melrose tour, we had lunch and returned to Monroe. Last night, Tom I went to Enoch’s Pub to hear Beth Patterson, whom I’ve written about several times on this blog. I had a grand evening, talking with friends from the library, the Scottish Society, former students, people whose writing I’ve edited, and people I’ve worked for.

My band, Angus Dubhghall, is playing at Enoch’s next Saturday, June 9. We’ll start playing about 9:00 p.m. Tonight, Tom and I have a DJ gig; Monday, I speak in El Dorado at Ryan’s Steak House. The Young Troupe at Straus Theatre is going to use me to teach creative writing in one of their summer workshops, June 25-29.

Trip to Natchez, Mississippi

My wife and I decided to celebrate our anniversary by a trip out of town.  We arrived in Natchez–a town we’ve always wanted to explore–yesterday around noon, eating lunch at Slough Daddy’s in Vidalia. From there we moved on to the Grand Village of the Natchez Indians, a site/park I’ve always wanted to see. Then, on to the visitor’s center, where the store manager began a talk about Pelican Publishing and books in general. I was delighted to find out she would be ordering my books for the Visitor Center there! As Jefferson Davis is quite popular in Natchez, this city is a natural match for my book, Jim Limber Davis: A Black Orphan in the Confederate White House.
We stayed in the Eola Hotel in downtown Natchez, in a room with a king bed, balcony and view of the river. Here’s a link about this beautiful hotel if you want to take a look.  As it rained the rest of the afternoon, we were unable to walk the streets of Natchez as we had planned, but it’s cleared up so we’ll do it this morning.
As usual when I travel, I’m brainstorming marketing tactics and creating stories in my head.  We’re on our way now to breakfast and either a carriage or bus tour of the city. I’ll post more later.